To All You's Beautiful People

Hey, from down here.... where all the 'wittle uggies' roam and 'tudes abound.

Down here is pretty low today. It wasn't that way early on in the day, then I got out of bed. Kinda kidding. Much like the weather my mood has deteriorated. The way I perceive things is probably to blame again. Guess I am tired of taking the brunt of everyone's pissy attitudes and eating the gynormous shit sam'iches they serve up.

I wish WISH WISH I could be like those of you with the ability to shrug off these little adversarial things that happen within a day. I envy you all. Envy isn't sinful when you don't covet, right? I would share the wealth of "don't worry, be happy now" if I had it. Sharing is the anti-covet. I need meds. I would definetely share those.

Perspective is the word of the day. I am going to see what I can do that's productive with the rest of my day.

Love to my peeps today from www.politicalbrawlhall.com/forum who talked me through a perplexing droning voice in my head and a long list of emotional issues plaguing the hours I was supposed to be working today.

Really Something...

http://www.purevolume.com/aaronsprinkle

Really Something - Aaron Sprinkle

I'm working on my forward thinking
Working on my self control
Process this ugly mess
And figure out how to make it whole

Choke down a bus ride to the city (My improv words: Choke down the long ride to my job)
Chase it with a trip to the East Side (My improv words: Chase it down with the thoughts of that hell)
It seems like over time
I'll get so numb that I won't mind

Some days I actually forget
That this is really something
One look from you and that is it
This is really something

Being hard is hard, so sick of it
This is really something good
This is really something good now

I love this artist. He is new to me and quickly becoming one of my ab fav's.

Health Versus Dead End Job

My pastor a few Sundays ago delivered a message (one of many) about connecting with God and allowing Him to work out His plans for you in your life. He stated that if there was anything impeding the relationship you have with God to remove it. "If your job holds you back from doing God's will, get another job." He might as well put a comma on the end of that statement and said, "Amanda." That message may have been sent from God's mouth to my ears via my pastor. God knew I was listening.

So, as I sit at my desk this morning, after 4 nasty phone calls from customers, one boss breathing down my neck for monthly financial reports that will not be ready for a few days, the other boss who is having a bad morning griping to me about it, a manager who approved a 3000K a year increase in pay for another co-worker who is less than deserving during a time of financial crisis... I find myself feeling literally ill from the exterior stress. My skin feels like it is on fire, yet I am not sick and have no fever. Thwarting anxiety is my body's full time job evidentially.

My icky work situation was largely caused my unwillingness to allow illegal and immoral behavior being conducted in my presence. I try hard not to judge others based on their personal & private actions; however, I may draw the line when these things are done in my presence and involve me without my consent or desire to be involved in them. For this, for opening my mouth to secure the sanctity of my reputation and demanding the respect I have earned (by the repsect I have showed to them), I am hated.

John 15:18-20 - If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you, "A servant is not greater than his master." If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you.

Gotcha, Lord. Persecution comes with the territory. It's old, and I am tired. Can you please come and take me home now?

Polemic Personality

As I start taking the journey into finding a deeper meaning or purpose for my life, I begin to realize how mutli-faceted my personality and world opinions have become over the past 20 years. In my early years I would not have considered myself the peacemaker as much of my time was spent in a defensive posture, defending myself against the evil that exists in this world or simply trying to survive despite the adversity I faced. I have found that typically there are 2 basic human responses that come out of these experiences:
1) be jaded, pessimistic, suspicious, un-trusting, and generally negative; or
2) be thankful, wise, hopeful, persevering, and generally positive.
Although I had all the outward signs of the first response; somehow, deeply rooted inside, I must have held on to the latter; at least idealistically. Despite facing the negative circumstances in my life in the posture of a prize fighter, my heart was secretly waiving the olive branch and believing in the triumph of good over evil.

So, how can one balance the good vs. evil ratio that lies within? Is it balance I am looking for, or is it internal conflict resolution?

- How can one support capital punishment when one so values human life and considers it a sin to take the life of another?
- How can one support a woman's right to terminate her pregnancy when they believe life begins at conception? (see above for conflict)
- How can one believe that homosexuals should be allowed to join civil unions and be recognized by the government for doing so but defend and preserve the sanctity of the sacrament of heterosexual marriages?
- How can one expect or long for someone to take care of their needs when they have spent years caring for others in the most altuistic manner?